In a small, autumn-leaf-carpeted town, somewhere almost, but not quite, at the foot of a mountain, there was a school. That school was a small school, full of kids who would grow up and later move away and tell their friends "I grew up in the country, in a small, autumn-leaf-carpeted town...".
This school had, as most do, dynamics. Social dynamics. They say that high school gives a person their formative years. It is intended to prepare you for adult life. I call shit. High school didn't prepare me for adult life - I had to wait it out until adult life began so I could learn how to act without snobbery and meanness. High school reduces you to judge a person based on their worth.
Let me tell you a story about this small, autumn-leaf-carpeted town. People holiday in this beautiful, old town. They love it so much that after their holiday weekend they make plans to come back. I used to live in that town and since I left I haven't been back since.
This story begins with the town, the school and a kid. I'll call him a kid 'cause I call everyone a kid. I met him the first day, the first morning, that I started high school. I can say this now - I thought he was a bit of a looker. Dark hair, nice smile. And I thought he was a really nice kid. This kid, me and two of my girlfriends were fresh out of primary school and ready to take on... High School. On this morning, I honestly don't know how it happened, my two girlfriends and I decided that we'd close the classroom window (the kid was on the other side of the window) so as to block him out. He, meeting the challenge head on, decided he'd try to force the window open. We weren't that smart as kids; as you can guess, the window broke. And then, all in one fast, very fast moment, as the window smashed and someone had to be in trouble, the dynamics changed. My friends, the girls on my side of the window, blamed him. It was his fault. He broke the window. Suddenly, the dynamics changed; they went from us four fresh-out-of-primary-school kids doing what young kids do, playing, to us four, young kids in the midst of the hard, mean, snobbish realm of high school.
Of course the meaning behind this broken window was larger than just the breaking of the window and the getting into trouble for it. It was the getting away with breaking the window and having the power dynamics to do so. I didn't understand this at the time; hind's sight brings clarity. But my friends were cool; I, by association, was temporarily cool. And he was uncool (the death of my own coolness came later, but today, the first day of cool, and of school, brought his).
When my friends started to blame him for breaking the window I took a moment and made a choice. I didn't understand the social dynamics that said, then, that he could and he would be blamed for breaking the window. I didn't understand that this would mean in class later that day my girlfriends wouldn't talk to him, or sit near him, or look at him. I didn't understand then that their girlfriends would follow and that eventually the other boys would also ignore him. Whatever I understood of the dynamics, the social conditions that would dicatate my life for the next 6 years, changed. There, then, in that moment. And I chose not to do the right thing and admit I had been involved in the breaking of the window, too, although I was painfully aware of this. Despite my conscience, I chose to deny responsibility - I didn't want to get into trouble! And he was uncool, I had to stop being friends with him or else I'd be uncool. I made an investment in my future, futile, "coolness" and dropped a friendship. I still feel guilty about that.
What makes my guilt kick was that I'd originally liked him - he was a looker. He was a sweet kid. I could see that in him. I could see that he'd probably stick up for me if I were in his situation. I chose to side with my girlfriends, which was, of course, a mistake. The girls I was friends with at the time were mean and turned out to be the main two girls who religiously ostracised me from their friendship groups for the next 6 years. I'm not too guilty about not liking them. But I am guilty about how I treated him.
I can see now that I couldn't have been his friend. I was new to the area and needed a group of friends to support me, to sit with, to talk with. And besides, he was a boy and I was a girl. That mattered. I understand now that I would have had a much harder time at high school had I had him as my only friend. But I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for being so low, for putting a person's worth below my social interests. It is the very thing I loath of the girls in my high school - that they judged everyone according to the worth of that person. Frustatingly for me, who scored low on their social hierarchies, they also dictated what that "worth" was.
This is but one reason why that sleepy, autumn-leaf-carpeted town is not a destination I holiday to.
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